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Aug. 24th, 2009 @ 01:56 pm it was Friday again.
looked forward to it. it's the last day of the week when i have to get up early. and as usual, i had classes. it was the last commitment for the day. it was the last one for the week too.

he was sick the Friday before so we didn't have classes. we started our class with the routine i am trying to make him learn.

-¿Cómo estás?, i asked.
-Bien, he answered.
-Did you go to school today?, i asked again.
-Yes, i did, he said.
-So what's your favorite subject now?, me, not letting up.

he answered with the candor only a 6-year old boy can muster:

-BINGO!
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Jul. 17th, 2009 @ 11:31 am maybe i regret it.
having had left, i mean. i shouldn't have left in the first place. maybe. i was meant to be teaching. maybe. and for the past 5 years, i dream of me in front of white and yellow-checked uniforms. most of the time, the faces shouldn't even go together. some familiar. some not. every single school year. every beginning. every end. i never missed.

and so i am letting myself look back with regret. just this once. just this time.
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Jul. 16th, 2009 @ 09:05 am 4 years.
that's how long we've been working together. she missed a month's worth of Spanish classes and when she got back, she was picked by her teacher to represent her class for the Spanish Quiz Bee. her mom then decided that she needs a tutor.

i first saw her at the very back of her car, her glasses dropping to the tip of her nose and her hair all over her face, trying to be inconspicuous. she was very quiet that first meeting. it made me wonder about my orientation by her mom who said that she's very different from her sister who was also my student when i was still teaching full-time. on our third session, i stopped wondering altogether. she suddenly had the upper hand of our classes, always, always starting every session with her "let's make kwento first".

through the years, our topics have changed. she is metamorphosing. but every now and then, i would still get glimpses of the little girl - as the little director who made me act like i was fainting, dropping on the sofa because we were shooting a film and she was directing using their telescope, as the little event organizer who prepared a cheeseballs party for me complete with tap water on wine glasses and a map of the venue - an arrow connecting Ms. Castillejo's house to their house made by her little sister, and yes, as the little girl who loves chocolates so i would then devise a game and of course she would win and we would share her chocolate prize. Van Houtens are never good unless eaten with her.

last night, while she was doing her homework and i was supervising her, she suddenly asked in that way when she would make you feel that it's the most important topic in the world, "what should i take in college?" i was surprised yet again. she never fails to surprise me with her questions and antics. i laughed. and she said, "seriously, i need your advice". i managed to interject, "well,..." and she continued as if i had never spoken, "please, not law, not medicine, not business". "it depends on what you want. what do you want to do?" to which she earnestly answered, "i want to be rich!"
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Feb. 2nd, 2009 @ 02:46 pm Lord-
please grant me lots and lots of patience. Amen.
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Jan. 12th, 2009 @ 09:08 am here-
we fucking go again. i will never understand why an information that is crucial everytime a query is made is never stored and saved. faulty memory. maybe you need an updgrade. i can't be the Office Assistant 24/7. forever. it's been a year and a half since you joined us. have you learned anything yet?
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Dec. 11th, 2008 @ 11:58 am i -
just suddenly feel restless.

maybe because i know that for the next 5 years or so, i am not going anywhere. and i won't be able to afford to go anywhere.

and that makes me sad. restless.

or maybe, i just want to go somewhere so i can check the possibilities out.

5 years. 2 years. long years. 
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May. 27th, 2008 @ 10:27 am in the land of the giants -
there are normal-sized blenders, you said.

and i can still see you against the wall, mimicking a giant with his big blender, grunting and saying "mind yo biznus". and i can still hear myself insensitively laughing.

you're the first man i know who can make me laugh like that. the first one.
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May. 26th, 2008 @ 10:31 am lunes na naman.
isang linggong pag-ibig na naman ito ng papasok ba ako o hindi!
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Apr. 8th, 2008 @ 02:40 pm i remember that smell.
it's from a long, long time ago. popcorn.
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Mar. 25th, 2008 @ 08:15 pm before the end of every 9pm workshift -
i actually look forward to you coming to my post to chat me up. with everything and nothing really. just plain, interesting topics that you have thought of on your way to my workstationn or maybe when you just let your mind wander while doing nothing. and gestures that you might be imitating or you yourself came up with. and they all make me laugh. you make me laugh.

we talk of everything. we ask questions. we try to come up with answers, with explanations. we clarify.

we share an orange. we share our stories. and our experiences. a little of ourselves even. maybe that. maybe not.

all of these devoid of romance.

and i used to believe that anyone who can do these things that you do now should be, can be the man in my life. maybe forever.

not you. not this time.
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Mar. 20th, 2008 @ 10:16 pm i was sitting on the floor.
i was watching Pat do her laundry. with Joaquin trying to help in a 3 year old's way. and then he sat on my lap, talking clearly. arguing actually. and then his little brother Alejandro crawled near us, lifted himself up. i helped him, holding him upright with my left arm and supporting Joaquin with my right arm. Pat looked up and said "if i can just take a picture of you 3 now". and the moment passed.

3 minutes later, Alejandro trustingly lifted his arms, wanting me to carry him. i lifted him up, set him on my right hip. we danced around the room. we played. we made faces. i cooed at him, he smiled, he laughed. and when i tried to put him down, he didn't let go of my hands. i set him again on my right hip and 30 minutes passed.

now, my right arm, the arm that carried him, is as heavy as lead.

----------
edited: 25 March 2008

i actually didn't know then how i felt about this and i still can't figure it out. all i remember was the sweat trickling between my breasts.
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Mar. 18th, 2008 @ 11:06 pm yesterday, i cried.
hot, fat tears. because you don't have the right to hurt anyone. and you don't deserve to get hurt that badly that sometimes you are paralyzed.
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Mar. 17th, 2008 @ 03:05 pm and you get to thinking -
to just let the circumstances break your resolve. because it is easier to. it is easier to just let go of that temper, to succumb to that split-second spark and get angry. really, really angry.

and 2 weeks ago, you resolved not to. from then on, every moment was painstakingly tempting. really, really tempting.
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Feb. 1st, 2007 @ 07:57 pm Better Days
BETTER DAYS
-Dianne Reeves


Silver gray hair
Neatly combed in place
There were four generations
Of love on her face
She was so wise
No surprise passed her eyes
She's seen it all

I was a child, oh
About three or four
All day I'd ask questions
At night I'd ask more
But whenever, she never
Would ever turn me away
No, no oh woah
I'd say how can I be sure
What is right or wrong
And why does
What I want
Always take so long
Please tell me
Where does God live
And why won't
He talk to me
I'd say Grandma
What is love
Will I ever find out
Why are we so poor
What is life about
I wanna know the answers
Before I fall off to sleep
Woah ho woah ho

She saw the smile
As she tucked me in
Then she pulled up that
Old rockin' chair once again
But tonight she was
Slightly, remarkably
Different somehow
Slowly she rocked
Lookin' half asleep
Grandma yawned
As she stretched
Then she started to speak
What she told me
Would mould me and hold me
Together inside
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

She said all the things you ask
You will know someday
But you have got to live
In a patient way
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means
Better days

She said, child we are all
Moons in the dark of night
Ain't no mornings gonna come
Till the time is right
Can't get no better days lest
You make it through the night
You gotta make it
Through the night
Yes you do
You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Be patient, oh baby
Be patient

Later that year at
The turn of spring
Heaven sent angels down
And gave Grandma her wings
Now, she's flyin'
And slidin', and glidin'
In better days
And although
I'm all grown up
I still get confused
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised
When night gets in my way
I could still hear
My Grandma say
I can hear her say
I can hear her sayin'

You can't get to no
Better days
Unless you make it
Through the night (baby)
Oh ho, you will see
Those better days
But you gotta be patient
Child, do you hear me, yeah
Well, well, well, well
You can't get to no, no
Better days
Unless you make it
You got to make it
You got to make it
Through the night
Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh
Tender replies
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Jan. 17th, 2007 @ 07:47 pm ahay layf!
There are things that I have to learn on my own. And I'm the type who will take the harder road just to see what's at the other end. No regrets. And no wondering about the what ifs. And I never had the patience to wait and see. I always jump in and see. This time, I actually dove in ;) and learned!
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Dec. 5th, 2006 @ 02:13 pm (no subject)
so you have your ways set. and that's the way you are. still, you give the people you care about some allowances. but after a while, you cry "FOUL!" when they fall short of THEIR end of the bargain. i don't think that makes you a bad person.
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Nov. 23rd, 2006 @ 03:18 pm bow.
If there's magic in boxing, it's the magic of fighting battles beyond endurance,
beyond cracked ribs, ruptured kidneys, and detached retinas.

It's the magic of risking everything for a dream that nobody sees but you."

-- Million Dollar Baby


it may sound selfish but fuck it, i only live once. this is my life. yes, my life. and sometimes, i also get tired of giving 200% so i can have my own 100%. mine. just mine.
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Nov. 9th, 2006 @ 01:51 pm (no subject)
i hate where i am now.
i hate what i'm doing now.
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Nov. 6th, 2006 @ 11:52 am (no subject)
"kung hindi tayo, sino?
kung hindi ngayon, kailan?"
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Oct. 25th, 2006 @ 04:45 pm (no subject)
i feel like
screaming!
and tearing my hair from its
roots.
i am going crazy.

i feel
suffocated.
and running out of
breath.
i want outta here.

soon.

-tyra, 25 de octubre de 2006
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